Who just kicked the computer and caused me to loose two paragraphs of writing.  

The guys at Fox TV must love Farscape.  Every time they have a free hour of programing they throw in a Farscape.  At least having it on at 2 on a Saturday is better than having it on at 2am on Sunday.    The worse the storm appears to be over.  Byron has calmed down enough to just need to be able to see me.  As opposed to about an hour ago when he needed to have me actively touching him.  

The rain came down so fast that the drain across the street got over whelmed.  But now that the rain has slowed a bit the drain system can catch up.   The poor skeletons they look like they are dancing in the wind.

Ha! Just flipping the dials and caught a Nickelodeon Jimmy Neutron. He has created a machine that allows you to become a monster. One of the monsters on the wheel. Michael Jackson. Now a character just talked about his favorite childhood costumes. “Michelangelo's David'. Ha, funny. I think those jokes are aimed at any adults, or very smart kids watching.

Ah Byron has calmed down enough to go back on guard duty.

So today is my first day without cymbalta. I have to go today and tomorrow without, and we will have a discussion between my doctor and the insurance company doctor on Monday. How bad a doctor do you have to be to work for an insurance company. I wonder if this is a doctor in India or something.

I'm gonna leave the cartoons on for a while. I might as well fry my brain during the rain. I do have to take Byron out in a bit.

Good news for the first floor. I sealed the cracks that showed up in the foundation after the may hurricane. I don't see any leaks coming through the cracks. The cement sealer I put down sank a bit into the cracks. I have to drop some gravel into the cracks and try sealing them again.

 

I did two spreads tonight regarding helping Yendi and shadesong get set up. The first question I asked was 'am I forcing my help on her, will she see me as a pathetic person with no life'

The second question was 'Am I pushing to hard.

For the first question I was given the following cards

10 of cups --- The Fool (r)

Page of wands

8 of swords ------ 5 of cups


first off, two cups, to partnered cups the 5 and the 10 show a connection, they up the family quotient. So the reading does show a friendship in the making, a family friendship. It also warns me that I could make a mistake and do something to hurt the friendship before it starts.
I have to be vigilant to scrutiny, from myself and others

So I switched the cards and went to the second question. am I pushing to hard.

For this question I was given the following cards

Judgment ------ 3 of pentangles (R)

5 of wands

Ace of Pentangles ------- Queen of Swords

And I had two pentangles so this is a strong question
So I see a warning here that I could fall into a competition to become her real friend, without even realizing it. And that some of the people she is close to are in relationships I would not understand (and I don't mean the lovers) I will only hurt myself if I try to join this struggle, so the best thing to do is avoid it at all costs,

My goal should be the short term goal of helping her get settled, not getting into her good graces. If the reason why I am being so helpful, even to the physical determent of my own health, well then the story will be out, there is not much I can do there. Except be honest. Once it is out, well it's out.

But what I will do for now is, drive over on Monday after therapy as I promised. Have coffee, do some unpacking. Make no promises beyond that, although if asked for help, I will provide it. But I will not enforce the helping. I will not just show up.

Just a few ideas i will be working on later in the week\\

dog bites

dogs and other pets

dogs and winter/xmas

something on how much allergies increase flairs

Ah Byron got off the computer.  He is rolling on the floor, is it for fun or is it because of allergies?  I wonder.  He was rolling on a  dog treat.  so it was for fun.    I have to enter something in his blog.  Maybe about how he ended my latest relationship before it started by taking an instant dislike to the guy I invited over.

 

Education has taken a small amount of attention during this crazy period of debates before the election. Candidates are for education, but against education costs. They are willing to support better schools, yet have no idea how schools can get better. Producing goals, but not programs, being for education as a general good, but not for education as a important part of their programs. Each year, one issue gets pushed to the education front, it becomes a cause for the progressive to champion, and the conservative to rally against. It is the cause of educating the children who are here illegally.

The question always arises, to what level of education are they granted a right to. What level of education are all people granted a right to. All children deserve the right to a basic education, starting with first grade, and going at least until that child is sixteen, an education is a guarantee. If the student does well, they can move on in there quest for education, attending a trade school, college or even a university. In Massachusetts, students who are citizens of the state are granted a discount at all state colleges. This helps in making Massachusetts one of the most educated states in the country. But not every student in Massachusetts is given the right to a discount at state colleges.

These students are the children of illegal immigrants, illegals themselves. Brought here as small children, and educated in the public school system. Some have received their entire education in Massachusetts, others just a few years. The students who do well, believe by the time they graduate, they deserve the same rights as students who are legal residents of the Commonwealth. The right to a discount education at state colleges. Not an extra right, not a special or only for them right, but an equal right. Which, on first review should be granted them, However, the longer I think about it, the less I am willing to grant this discount. The more I want these students to take the one step that would give them this right.

These students are not being denied college, they are being denied college at a discount. Being require d to pay for collage as someone from their own country would. They could always try going to another state, and applying to one of their state colleges. They would not be denied entrance, they might be offered scholarships. But they would not be offered state citizen rates, For the simple reason, they are not citizens.

Why is the school system, knowing all the illegal citizens in our schools not doing more for these students. Instead of filling their heads with promises of a big college, and the way paved in gold. Students should be told they have to get the ring of citizenship before the path way will be open. Young students and their parents should have every chance offered to them to correct their immigration status. If the parents, and this super motivated kids do not make an effort to correct the problem, their problem. I do not see how just complaining about this 'unfairness' each and every semester will change the basic issue. Instead of marching toward the state house, this students and their parents should be marching to the local community center, to be taking the citizenship test. Pass the test, take the oath of service to the USA, and I will be the first in line to welcome you to the Massachusetts citizen rates for our state colleges.

Several Republicans are trying to lessen the damage the Foley scandal has caused the party by reminding people of other congressmen who, unlike Mark Foley, had sexual affairs with pages. The comparison according to the party line, is while MF only sent out instant messages to pages, these two men had sexual relations with pages. The major talking point becomes why is this man getting attacked , when in 1983 having sex with pages was not such a big deal.

Well as I remember, and news articles from the period agree, it was a big deal. Both men were the subject of many calls for their resignation. Members of both parties were charged with defending the men, at the expense of the young people involved. Both pages, one male, one female were above the age of consent for Washington D.C., and each man claimed the affairs were based on mutual attraction. The two men, one a democrat, the other a republican were in the wrong. They admitted as much when they agreed to stay in Washington and be censored for their actions.

This is our first difference, Foley can not claim the im's were based on mutual attraction. The young man who was the subject of the first set of im's released went to his congressmen and requested assistance in getting the contact to stop. We do not know, and may never know if the young man in question asked Foley to end the contact and he refused. But we do know that the one young man who has come forward did not welcome the contact, but continued it because he was concerned it would
effect his political future.

Secondly neither Congressmen left Washington to allow the scandal to fester. Both men, in a deal brokered by both sides of the aisle, took their censure, and took responsibility for what happened. Each man ended the affair, and continued to serve. In the case of Congressmen Studds, he ran for election again and continued to serve the state of Massachusetts. Congressman Crane was voted out of office. But each man went through the process of agreeing they were in the wrong, getting punished, and moved on. Something that has not happened with Congressman Foley.

Instead of accepting the blame, doing the rounds of 'I'm sorry' he chose to run and hide. He chose to lay the blame every where but himself. He first blamed alcohol, then being gay, then being molested as a child. Everyone is to blame but him, even the young men involved have been painted with blame, but not Foley. He wants to be the innocent man. Well he cannot be innocent. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. Take responsibility for what he did, because with out that, no one will move on. Especially Congressman Foley.

Is he suggesting each and every time he started iming this young men that he was drunk? Does that mean he was drunk on the floor of the house, as one conversation suggested, he was sneaking away from a vote to chat with a former page. He also suggested that his being a homosexual was what caused him to go after young men. Instead of realizing that he was sexual attracted to young men. Does he suggest that being molested turned him into someone who wanted to molest young men himself. While there are many men and woman who have been molested, received treatment, and not passed on the crime of what happened to them to others. To continue using one excuse after another Foley refuse to take responsibility for what he did.


While in Washington these pages were of the age of consent. He is homosexual and he has to admit he is sexually attracted to young men on the cusp of adult hood. Or once he becomes openly homosexual maybe then, an adult male will engage in a relationship with him. Instead of being his pretend room mate.

Finally there is the hypocrisy issue. Neither Congressman Studds, or Crane placed them selves in a position where they were the source of so many quotes specifically condemning what he was doing. He could apparently give an interview condemning sending sexual contact with young children, and then engage in sexual content with young men. True he could have separated the two in his mind. Thinking that as long as he was contacting people he considered men, what he was doing was not wrong. Most people consider a 17 year old to be closer to young boys and not quite adults, and have reacted as such.

As Congressman Foley said himself, “Pointing fingers, trying to catch each other in scandal does not bring honor to this house.” Neither does refusing to admit to guilt, and pointing the finger everywhere but where it belongs.

Congressman Foley, it's time to face the music, like Congressman Studds and Crane did over three decades ago. Step forward, admit your wrong, and let all of us move on to issues more important than what you did, and should not have been doing when you disgraced Congress.

Instead of using this blog to just echo LJ, which is a more personal location. I want to take this blog places. Start writing about the news. Start writing about my opinion of the news. Start expanding my horizon to bring other issues to the front.

To do more than just dictate the slow demise of my life. I have to stop bitching about my life and start living it again.

I did not get much of anything done today. Sent out the pictures, but just to exhausted to do much else.

Feel like I got run over by a train today. Just everything hurts.

Tried to talk to some of the people in my other blog about joining APBT clubs. But ... Some people can't be told anything.

This stupid illness.  I always run a fever, it's one of the things that I always have, even when I do not have pain.   But after a high level of activity I start to burn even hotter.    By the time I reached the checkout line, the sweat was collecting around my neck, and dripping down my back.   I was parched, my tongue was dry.   I ended up grabbing a soda from the cooler, and starting to drink it while I was waiting in line.  

Now I am home, and I am exhasted.   How could just going to the bank and the store tired me out.

Today has been a bad day pain wise. Not like a oh my ghods all over pain, but a pain day. I mostly have pain in my chest, around my heart, mostly. The pain is hugging my heart, and orbs through me. If I move around to much, like down the steps to the mailbox, my heart starts to pound. The pain increases, tears come to my eyes, and by breath gets shallow. If I don't move around I am in less pain, so I give in. I don't move.

I have to move, I need to go to the bank, I need to food, I need to get out and about. But the pain is to great, it is forcing me to stay in one place. I don't have the strength to deal with the pain. This is a pain that the pills can't help with. The only pills that do help are the ones for sleep. Because they shut off my body and brain, I don't feel the pain in my chest.

This pain is real, there is scar tissue growing around my heart, around my lungs. Around me.

I am going to walk the dog in a bit, see if I can at least walk him around the block. See if I can deal with that level of pain. Then I will suck it up and get in the car and go to the bank and grocery store. I have to be stronger than lupus. Stronger than anyone, well just about anyone. I have friends who have lupus. We have to be strong together.


Having walked the dog, just to the end of the block and back, I am more than short of breath. I am in pain, I want to cry. But I am out of soda, out of fresh fruit and veggies. I could just use peapod, but I have to go out anyway. So I might as well just suck it up and go. The little bit of strain I put on my heart has caused me to sweat a bit. Now the sweat is making me cold.

Byron is licking my left foot at the moment. His way of trying to make me feel better, it helps. At least I think that is what he is doing. Changed out of the pj bottoms I was wearing before I went out, wearing some old jeans. Gonna pull on the New York State Pit Bull sweatshirt and head out. I hope the car is not making funny noise as it was when I got home. If it is, I think I will have to take it to the shop. Great, another bill I do not need.

Can I fall over now. Good thing I have all these animals, and all these friends. What would I do without the snuggles, the hugs, the kisses, the licks, the waves, the squawks, squeak and whistles.  They keep me alive.    

 Why do you read me?

I was just wondering why you read my blog, why your so intent on attacking me. Is your hatred of me to strong today that it has invalidated every thing we once meant to each other.

Was each and every day of our twenty one years together such a lie. Do you have no good memories of your time with me. Did I never make you laugh or smile.

Your still the love of my life. The person who believed in me before any one else. The person who made me feel beautiful. The guy who could make me smile just by saying hello. I still remember our first kiss. Our first hug, the day we admitted we loved each other. I remember far more happy times than sad times. I remember you being there for me, and my being there for you.

Yes now you have to support me. Sorry about that, but I have an illness that makes it impossible for me to support myself. I don't enjoy being in this position, I hate it. I wish more than anything else that I was healthy and could support myself.

I know you don't believe me, but I do. I know you don't believe that I am the slightest bit sick, but I am. There are days part of me just wants to end it, the constant pain is to great. Watching my health deteriorate is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. More painful than watching my best friend and lover turn into my worse enemy. More painful than the realization that everything I thought we had was a lie.

I also get angry when you call yourself poor. Why, did Travelers cut your pay, or as you did in the past, do you just call yourself poor. You use to tell friends we were poor when we were both making large salaries. You called my last job low paying, when it was well over the state average. I am sure your friend makes as much if not more money than I ever did. You might not have millions in the bank, you might not have the house paid off, and you might not be able to retire at 55 and travel the world as you once planned to.

But, wither you believe it or not, I even wonder if I will make it to 55.     I thought about taking my own life this spring when my kidneys started flooding protein into my system.    The constant chest pain from the inflammation between the inner and outer muscle walls of my lungs does not help. But my doctor's and my friends will not let me.

I know the only reason you hate me is because of the money issue, I know you love money more than anything. More even than your new GF. But is your relationship truly based on honesty? In her on line bio your referred to as a asexual 'gardener' she is in a relationship with, is she afraid to tell people she is living with a man?

I would like to be your friend, to meet the woman you now love. I know now that will never happen, I guess everything I lived from the time I was 21 until now, was a lie. Why did we stay together for so long if you were never happy. Why did you ask me to marry you, if you always hated me? 

I always thought we were in love and we were honest with each other. Until the end, where you wanted to get away from me so strongly you looked at apartments, and talked to an attorney before broaching the subject of divorce. Well as least that is what you told me. You even opened a profile on Match .com, I saw it. You wanted me out of your life to strongly that you hired a moving van to get me out of the house. I left in 3 weeks, as fast as I could, and before I was ready to go. I left stuff behind because I went so quickly to make you happy. I left stuff behind because I had no room to store it. You told me you would keep it as long as I need to store it, and would let me me. Silly me, I guess that was one of those lies.

If you want me to stop contacting you at work, I will.  From now on if I have any message for you, I'll relay it through my lawyer.   And I'll never ask to visit you or your mother again.

I still think your a bastard.  I remain - the woman you never loved, your x wife   

Now stop reading my blog

I'm exhausted. Just exhausted...

Janice and her brother Anthony just came by to drop off the keys, they made me a welcome home card. What cute kids, they brought a friend over to see the Guinea Pig. Janice and Anthony wanted to bring the friend over sooner, but they wanted to wait for me to give it the ok. I guess I'm the coolest adult in the neighborhood now. Janice hurt her foot, she got tripped on the bus by one of Rhonda's sons and broke a bone in her foot. They just got back from the hospital.

The trip took a long time. Byron was well behaved until the very end. He decided while we were on the Tobin Bridge that it was a good time to get out of his seat belt and jump into my lap. He was barking at the truck next to me in traffic, they were playing the radio to loud. He managed to hit the gear shift and knock it out of gear. I was driving at the time and had to slam on the breaks. I felt so bad for the guy behind me who had to shoot into the breakdown lane. But I could neither see, nor control the car. I still can't believe he managed to get his seat belt unhooked.

Byron was ok going through New York City both times. He cried a little bit on the way through on Saturday, and was fine when we went through again today. He did not start to get antsy until we were traveling through Connecticut. I stopped twice in New Jersey to let him pee, and then again in Milford, Ct. He did not whine or cry to go out, but I was the one who needed a break. We stopped again, just over the Massachusetts border, and I let him wander a bit more. I know the trip tired him out. He is asleep already.

Byron did get a chance to look at Fate's new puppies, I think he is ok with the idea of having a new friend to play with. He backed up a bit when the puppies started crying. I think it startled him a bit. But he did sniff a puppy that Faith showed him later, and he also sniffed at Seaweed. He had fun, as did I.

I am excited about getting a new puppy, I am already thinking about what I am going to name her.
Oh my, it took me over two hours to get this post finished.  I keep getting distracted.

At best I take just a little less than 1/3 if his annual salary in support. Because of my illness supporting myself would be impossible.

Most of my income comes from Social Security Disability. Apparently I am not allowed to be treated like a human being with feelings, I must instead debase and humulate myself to him day in and day out till the day I die.

Which the way he is pushing for it, I think I had best start looking over my shoulder when I walk Byron, and have someone else start my car.

He will not be happy until he 'tough hates' my illness out of me. Because he has long belived I created this illness as a way to punish him for something.

Talk about honesty, try it starts at home.


Also thought I would share a web page for the Wesleyan Connection. It is an article about his new gf and how they are living together
http://www.wesleyan.edu/newsletter/people/0506emery.html

Tim will not be happy until I am living on the street.

Just a thought here.  The x has offered that he will copy all of our shared history of pictures, if I - and if I understand him correctly. Give up the support.   Because providing me a 1/4 of his annual income makes it hard to him to hire people to cleanhis yard and paint his house. At least that is how I read it.

My recent email discussion should that he was not going to allow the pictures out of the house, no matter what arrangements I set up to make the transfer as easy as possible.

I have concluded the pictures are gone, and he would reather trick me into punishing myself than loose his 'hold' over me.

He claims to now have an honest relationship like the kind he wish he had with me. SO I guess he stopped lieing to this one.

Thinking of this creap is giving me an upset stomach. And bring tears to my eyes. Never has he stopped making sure I knew how worthless I was compaired to him.

I'l do more in the morning. I may do a post asking for picturesr of the many places we traveled together. I don't know what I will do.

Can people start sending me pictrures of their trips with me photoshopped in? I will broovide a list.

I'm back

In a way I am glad I got this room for Sunday night as i am flat out exhausted. There is no way I could have driven back tonight. I just made getting back here.

Got to the show site easily enough. Well not really, I decided i would be nice and go to the 24 Wawa and get donuts for everyone. So with Byron by my side and blaring Weird Al, I drove past the show site and drove into town. Well almost...

I could just about see the lights of the store, well I think it was the store, because the sky was still dark except for these huge lights. When I saw a few more lights, behind me. Pretty blue and red lights. All swirly blue and red lights. I guess, since I was not paying attention that I was doing 75 miles an hour in a 45 mile an hour zone. My bad.

I tried to be nice, as nice as I could be with a barking wolf in my lap. Byron wanted this guy, bad. Anyway I apologized to the officer, told him I did not realize how fast I was going. It being an empty – well almost empty – road and all. He asked me what I was doing way down here in Southern New Jersey, and I told him I was here for the APBT show. I told him if he wanted to see some beautiful dogs when he got off. He said 'I expect we will be there today.' I was so pissed! I hate it when people just assume that people who are into the dogs are bad people or that there will be problems. Yes I am not stupid, I know there are people who use the dogs for unpleasant purposes and I know that people are using drugs. But to just assume that every one is going to do all those things, right then and there. I mean people there are young kids at this event. So we had a nice chat, and Byron finally decided to stop giving his two cents and started playing with his puppy. Sadly when he bites it, the puppy barks like a dog, well not much like a dog. Lucky for me, the officer decided to only give me a warning, one on paper, and the other a verbal. He told me to drive a bit slower, because, 'life goes a bit slower down here.' So I drove the speed limit back to the show. No donuts for me.

I got to the show, I was still the first person to arrive, and the only person from the Mass club that made the trip. I was telling Troy the story, and his brother (who is wicked cute by the way) asked me if I flirted with the officer. That is when Troy decided to tell me I looked incredible. I got lots of complements on my new look. Cowboy told me he was sad that he never found my room because I looked hot! HA

Byron spent a good amount of time in the car, I brought him out several times, and let him run around. He had fun playing with all the kids, and the kids kept getting him people food to eat. I'm not surprised that after being walked around the hotel to poo he fell asleep. I just might be following him soon.

I started doing the sign ups at 7 o'clock, and by 10 just about everyone was ready to start. Cowboy helped Ozzie run the ring, and Carey held the ring book. I was suppose to just take pictures, and I took a lot, but I ended up being the only person who was willing to use the megaphone. Yes like I need my voice enhanced. I got to yell at just about everyone Go me! I managed to do the sign up and hold on to a little puppy at the same time. Faith thought I needed a puppy - well I told her I did not have a pit and I wanted a puppy, so she kept giving me one of hers. If not for the fact that I have planned on getting a pup from Troy and Jessica, I would have so offered to purchase that puppy.

I plan on getting a dog from them because I would have walked away from the ADBA and missed out on their wonderful friendship without them calling me and not letting me quit after T and I ended our friendship. They have been more than wonderful to me. Not just because they honored me by asking me to join their club, and as an officer no less, but because they have just made me feel so welcome, and introduced me to so many wonderful people. Cowboy was so funny, he knows I love dogs, and he wanted me to wait until his female went into heat next spring and get my first pit from him. But, once I explained to him why I was waiting for just these pups, (I was there when the female became champion) and I love her color and temperament. Jessica was amazed, because she brought her out to walk her, and she walked right up to me for attention, she she remembers me.

Every time I tried to order food, Jessica would not allow me to pay. I ended up just doing the same thing I do when I am covering Ken and Mercy's room at Arisia, I just tucked the money in the cash box and wrote down what I had eaten. Then she fed the last of the pork pieces to Byron anyway. Everyone got a kick watching him dance in circles to get the pork. After a while I started to wonder if he was tired of jumping because he stared jumping up slower and not spinning around as fast as he had before. The little girls wanted to pose with him, and brush him. Faith, Manny's daughter stated asking her dad if they could have a fluffy dog like Byron, and she wanted to trade Seaweed (a very cute little black and white puppy) for him. Her family had brought some 4 week old puppies to the show because they are their mother were to young to stay home alone. She kept taking puppies out of the car to show Byron and see if he wanted to befriend one of them. I left once everything was cleaned up and came back here.

I am glad I don't have to try to drive all the way back to Boston tonight. If I even tried I would be getting home well after 1 am. And I am in way to much pain already to even try.

It took me a lot longer to get out of the house than I thought it would. I ended up not leaving until after noon. Having to clean the bird cages did not help. They were not all that dirty, but I felt I should leave the cages clean for J.

I finally said goodbye and headed south, my first planned stop was in Ct at Beldon and Nightwing's. Traffic was good and I was able to get there in about 90 minutes, it was the only good time I made the entire trip. They were both there, and we got to hang out for about an hour before I had to leave. We talked about the X and what they had read on my blog about G. Beldon said that he works with a person who knows the X from the bike to work group, and he never sees him at bike to work events any more. I gave Night wing the leggings from my Dad's Santa suit to repair. She said in about two weeks she would have them fixed.

Byron is very ancie in this hotel, I ran him around the hotel and up and down the halls, but he is still pacing the hotel room. I'm to tired to try to walk him again. So he had better calm down soon. He should once I finish this and go to bed.

The ride through New York was much better this time around. Byron was not as scared, but he did cry a little bit. He put his head down on my leg and let me comfort him. Traffic was not as bad as the last time I took him through NYC, so that helped also. Once we got into NJ traffic opened up a tiny bit. And I do mean a little bit. Traffic was bad until we got well past the high population area.

I stopped to get gas, and forgot until I pulled into the line at the station that all of New Jersey is full service station. Nothing like slowing down the pump. One guy responsible for two back to back pumps. I missed being able to pump my own.

I think Byron is starting to calm down, he ate a bit more food, and he is not stretched out on the floor by my feet. Sounds as if he will be asleep soon.

The remainder of the trip down was more of the same. Cars and trucks would go by, Byron would woof or growl or ignore them based on some internal check list only he can read. This room has finally passed puppy inspection. He is ready for bed.

I have a wake up call for 5:30 in the morning for Sunday, there will be no wake up call for Monday.

Monday will be  a very late checkout, well around 10.  Then an easy drive home.  Anyone on 95 north want a vist?

I went to the parents house at 3 to have dinner and pick up the good movie camera. We had a nice dinner as well. I left at 6 but traffic was so bad, I did not get back to Boston for over an hour. Then I had to stop at CVS to pick up a medication. I did not make it to CVS until close to 8. So I called the parents from the parking lot and let them know I was still not home.

I got a call from my neighbors just after, I was suppose to be there at 7, and here it was after 8. I promised to be there shortly. When I pulled up, J was sitting in her kitchen with R. They were having tea and had already put the water on for me. I sat down and J was in a mood, she started talking about her daughter K. K has a serious developmental disability, and other issues. She recently started regressing to childhood, and is messing he pants. Her mother has to purchase her depends, which she is forever taking off and putting new ones on. Today she went through a box of 10. Her mother told her she could not go to Bingo this week because of her behavior. Her doctor's cannot find a reason for her bladder and such control issues. As far as they can tell, she just decided to not use the bathroom any more.

Then we started talking about the history of my house. J has lived in the neighborhood for the last 40 years. She knew the people who use to own my house, and we had a nice talk about the house. I found out that the guy who I bought the house from is not in jail for not paying child support, and that the guy who use to live here is also in jail for theft. He lost custody of his son, and his son now lives in another state. The guy I bought my house from had an affair with a woman down the street, and got her pregnant. He was suppose to pay child support, but did not.

After I left her house I ran to the store and picked up some stuff for the trip, just some soda, and munchies. Nothing big, I don't want to just drive down eating.

So what am I doing now. Well, I got all my stuff together. Not packed in a bag, but together. And other then needing to collapse Byron's crate, and toss a blanket over it. I plan on bringing him down for company. And I know it will be easier for J and her grandkids to take care of the smaller animals.

Just coloring my hair right now.

I have been asking the bastard for 4 fucking years if I could have some of our pictures from our 20 years together.

We were suppose to get together and split up the pictures and go through them together. But he kept stalling and forgetting, and blowing me off.

I will be in CT tomorrow, he has been TO BUSY to even pull out a box of pictures to let me have.

I swear the bastard is just holding my history hostage. He is punishing me for what, he wanted the divorce, he asked me to leave. I am just so pissed.

I got quoted in Sidekick again.   In the your turn section.   Talking about the Norman Rockwell book. 

I am going back to bed.

Went to bed after midnight. Woke up at 7am. In pain. Fucking pain.

Just took some pain meds, gonna read the paper for a bit.

Just got a call from Troy. He called because the nutjob called him. He is planning on attending the dog show this weekend and he (Troy) was asking if I was gonna be ok with it.

I wonder is Troy afraid that I will start something?

Or is big brave nutjob afraid that I will start something?

Ghods, like I care. I just don't care.

This dog show is bigger than anyone thought. And my role in is has expanded. Wow has it expanded. I was asked to pick up the slack from another person, and ended up getting deeper involved than I thought I would.

Like they always say, if you want something done, give it to a busy person. And it got done. Give it to a nice person, I am already on a first name basis with the front desk at the hotel where the judge and club officers will be staying. And they are being extra nice to me. I got a business discount for the judges room, and got him upgraded to a suite! He can stay on Sunday, or we will use the suite Sunday to relax.

According to Troy, the judge is looking forward to meeting me, me. Squeeeeeeeee!!!!!

I know none of this means anything to any of my friends, but some of the names who are attending this show! We are having a one day fun show, the exact same weekend as the nationals, but people are attending our show instead of the nationals. The crashing sound my neighbors heard was me hitting the floor. More than once.

Lets see, I would not be this excited if I had just found out that I was holding a baseball skills camp, the weekend of the All-Star game, and the Boston Red Sox had decided to attend my event instead of the All-Star game.

Does that explain it.

Between my many phone calls and house cleaning, and getting the my neighbor's granddaughter Janice all set up to care for the animals I had a busy day.

Then, Ian came over, and helped me out some. He cut down some tree branches so he could put them on his hut, Xiphias - what is the hut called again. After he cut down the branches, he dug two holes for me so I could plant my two holly bushes. I have a boy bush, and a girl bush, so I will have berries in the winter.

Now I just wish I could grow mistletoe.

I got a call from Angeline this evening.  I have to start calling her myself more often.  I keep forgetting how enjoyable it is to talk to her. We talked about our homes and how we are fixing them up

That my Grandfather Pete and my Grandmother came for a visit.   My grandmother was stumbling all over the place, like she was not quite here.  But then she is still alive, but mostly no longer lucid.   She was terrified on slowly dieing a bit day by day like her mother did. 

But, back to the dream.  My grandfather was walking around the house looking at it and telling me all the things I needed to get fixed.   At one point it started raining really hard, and the house started to leak.   We worked to look for the source of the leaks.   

He said he liked my house, and that I should be stronger.  He told me he loved me (something he never really said, but you knew he did).  Then just before he left (my grandmother just vanished) he said I would not be joining him as soon as I thought I would.

So the dream made me feel really good.    I have been having a lot of really wonderful dreams lately.  I wonder  why.

1. You and Jesus go out to dinner - who pays?
We go dutch I'll pay for my meal, he will pay for his.

2. You suddenly have to flee the country and adopt an alias; what is it?
Aeryn Sun.

3. Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently.
I think Massachusetts should leave the rest of you. Maybe we will take Rhode Island for the fun of it. But we want out of this crazy backwards country.

4. You wake up as the opposite gender - what's the one thing you wanna try?
Making love to the woman.

5. Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?
Commander John Crichton

6. Toy you always wanted but never got as a child?
A Ken doll, and I Barbie Car, but I think I have that problem solved.

7. Top three celebrities you wanna do?
1. Barry Manilow (right after number 4 I guess)
2. Ben Bower


8. What's an automatic deal breaker in a potential significant other?
Their not being honest.

9. What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?
V.

10. Worst thing you've ever said out loud?
If by this question you mean something I regret, will nothing.

11. You're sentenced to death and its the morning of your execution; what's your last meal?
I dont' even want to discuss food until around 3 in the afternoon, so I will go to my death on an empty stomach.

12. What's something that most people have done that you've never done?
Collect the entire set.

13. Before you die you want to go to...?
All the places I have been before, so I can take new pictures to replace the ones Tim threw out.

14. Something you'd really like to do but probably wont ever be able to do?
Cure lupus

15. A wild animal you'd like to have as a pet?
All of them

16. A drug you'll never try?
Of the street drugs, probably all of them.

17. If you were an animal what would you be?
Eagle.

18. If you had to marry someone you knew at the age of 12 who would it be?
William Seabert, my very first crush, the first guy I kissed, and the guy I lost my virginity to.

19. What's something most people don't know about you?
I have a very strong moral code.

20. First celebrity crush?
Barry Manilow

21. What's a weapon to suit your personality, habits and abilities?
Bow and arrow - I am or was amazingly good at it.

23. Favorite breakfast bread style (pancakes, waffles, toast etc...)?
Pancakes, provided you don't make me eat them for breakfast.

24. Favorite parody movie?
Team America, but it might have been because of who I watched it with.

25. Worst way to die?
Lupus, but only because I'm doing it.

26. Grossest injury you've ever seen?
Employee fell into a tank of solvent.

27. The worst injury you've ever had?
Flipped over the railing and broke one bone in 4 places, and dislocated the other bone in the same arm


28. Favorite thing about Thanksgiving?
Pumpkin, in any and all forms

29. Sport you hate the most?
To play or to watch? I love most sports. I can't play many any more, but I love sports

30. What city in the U.S. do you want to visit?
Again - Washington DC before it becomes off limits. For the first time San Francisco

31. What's something you think would be sweet to know everything about?
Lupus - knowing how to cure it would be nice

32. Favorite Actor/Actress?
none

33. What's one phrase you absolutely detest?
I hope we can still be friends

34. What makes an awesome party?
Me

35. What's your material obsession?
My house

36. What's something most would consider an insult but you enjoy having said about you?
She has to be the center of attention

37. Favorite kind of dog?
Keeshonden

38. Favorite carnival food (everyone has one)?
Cotton candy

39. Morning or night person?
Bring on the night

40. Worst drunken/drugged up habit?
Falling in love

41. Weirdest ebay purchase?
Limited edition Kevin Millar baseball card

42. Favorite food to eat when you're wasted?
Celery (I said I was strange - Use to be chips, but I'm off them now).

43. Its Saturday at 3am where are you?
On a good day, out and about, on a bad day, in bed

44. Who's your favorite friend to go out with?
Depends on my mood.

45. Worst job you've ever had?
Mrs. T. Roaix

46. What's something your friends make fun of you for?
My need to know everything.

47. Favorite cereal?
Kashie crunch for the adult in me, Rice Crispies for the kid in me

48. Book you could read repeatedly?
LoTR every January

49. What's the meanest thing you've ever done?
Dumped a friend for being to negative about life

50. What's your favorite movie quote?
I don't remember lines from movies, I have more important things to remember.

Last night was great, no make that GREAT!!!

We meet at Joe's and started talking. This guy is so sexy, the thought that kept running through my brain is how is this guy single! Ok so he is 51 and has bad teeth, but then I have decided bad teeth must be a turn on for me. At least anyone who has ever seen the X can vouch for that.

So we started talking, about the Sox, and Boston, and how much fun this city is. He lives right in the back bay, in the cutest little condo. It's tiny, but that's ok, because he has a weekend place in the Berkshires! Which is where he will be this weekend! :( We started talking about books and great books we have read, he is more a fan of the classics, I am more a fan of the modern. We both love LTR, but he has not read it in years. Me I read it every January.

We had the most wonderful dinner, and kept talking the entire time. Not like me talking over awkward pauses, but both of us talking! Amazing!!!! The movies he likes, the ones we have seen and plan on seeing.

We talked about my pets for a while, he has no pets of his own, but lots of nice plants. But, that is ok, because I have enough for everyone.

We went back to his place, because we just did not want to stop talking! It was already time for me to get back on a train and head back home, but we did not want to stop being together! We kept talking until 3 am, just about ghods everything. The history of the church's take over of pagan holiday's for their own use, (yes he considers himself slightly pagan). He was gonna drive me home, but we were both tired, that cool kind of tired, when you don't want to fall asleep, because that means missing somethng special that the other person might say.  But you have to.

Ghods! I have not felt that kind of tired in ages.

So we curled up in his water bed and fell asleep. (hey I might be easy, but I am not cheap) We woke up just before the alarm went off and were completely wrapped up in each other. We started poking and teasing each other, and finally slowly made love. - cool -

Then we both showered and he drove me back home before heading off to work himself. He goes straight to the house in the Berkshires when he gets out of work, so I don't get to see him again until Sunday, when he will be driving back this way.

Sometimes I miss the old me.  Times when friends ask me questions I cannot answer.   I don't remember things I use to know.   The names of animals, the names of places.   The file cabinet which was once my brain has gotten smaller.   The draws are jamed shut.   Closed to me forever.

I use to remember things, lots of things.  How to repair something, the words I read in a book.   I use to be able to put a book down at night, pick it up the next morning and just know where I left off.   Now, not so much.  Now, I don't remember what page I was on.  Even reading back a little from where I THINK I left off. 

Now I need not just a bookmark.  But to underline where I was.   I have always scribbled in my books, left myself notes, reminders that something is important, or I wanted to save a comment.  But now, I need those notes to understand what I was reading. 

I am still smart, just no longer the smartest person in the room.   I did not realize until recently how important it was for me to be the smartest person in the room.   No longer being the smartest, makes me sad. 

I have lost a little bit of my brain, and a lot of my life.

Date tomorrow, should be fun, sounds and looks like a nice guy.  Means I have to get the nails and hair done.  Got to pick something fun, and something that will not get to wet.   It is suppose to rain on and off all day.   Dinner out sounds like fun.  I'll see where it goes after that.

Busy day all around.  I just kind of wonder where the time went.   Thank goodness for Tivo, it watched the shows I was to frigging busy to watch.    Well I am sure that 3 hour chat about lost did not help.   Nor did watching lost more than once.   What the heck was with that prison cell.  It looked like a frigging zoo.

Well gonna try to get a good nights sleep.  See what the world holds for the morning.   I just hope that  I have a good sleep and have no more crazy dreams.   Well fodder for the dream journal, and maybe for another short story or two.   First I have to figure out what thing they wanted to steal and what the motivation was for the guy who first broke in.  It's clear he was part of the group of thiefs, but it's not clear what his motivation was.  

Those final steps, that is the hard part.  Sometimes it just comes to me, and other times it does not.

A very wierd dream.  I was in a small apartment, with a little kitchen, and living room downstairs and two bedrooms upstairs. *     I was warned by this guy that I was going to be robbed, and he was going to stop it.    But in the end, he was helping the people rob me by convincing me to hid in one room while he 'talked' the robbers into leaving me alone.   I took this man up to my bedroom and pulled out a rack of guns, a shot gun, and two pistols. 

But at some point I realized that while I was hiding, my house was being robbed.   So I stepped out of my hiding place and suddenly had a gun, one of the bullets in handle guns.   I shot the female robber, then forced the male friend and the male robber to take the female out of the house.  Then I closed the window curtains and sat down to listen to a radio program.  

* Is it strange that I so remember my dreams and they are so vivid I could (if I had any artistic talent) draw out floor plans and draw the houses of my dreams.     Well I could do the floor plans, I took a graphic design class, and we did a little bit on reading and roughing out blueprints.

Byron is in is favorite spot.   Read all about it in his personal blog.

I need something to make me feel better

I just can't deal with this shit any more.    I sent something into dog boston over a week ago, and they have yet to post it.    Why??    Why Why Why????     

He has yet to respond to my note, last Friday he said he has not had time to update the site. Today he updated it, but left me off the site.

I posted to Universal Hub, but he did not put me on the front page.  I really think people are starting to become afraid of posting my work because of the harrassment.   I wonder what I am going to do.  I think in the case of UH, I am going to log in as a new person.  I will have to leave fibrowitch behind in some places in order to continue existing as a writer.    I will not be able to change my real life name tho, so I do not know what it is I am going to do there.

Spell checker has decided to stop talking to me again.  

Got this huge error message, sent it in. And finally after 15 minutes I could get back in.

My favorite thing to do is sit on the couch curled up in a blanket watching children's cartoons.

Any time planet really I would like to hear the sweet sound of my lungs filling with air. And the ability so breath, normally so over rated.

Had a nice conversation with a couple of people over the last few days about the nut job twins. My most recent post in UH turned into a flame war, and while Adam has said he was sorry about that, there is nothing he or Photobucket can do to help.

Sucks eggs.

If this being a beautiful day was not enough, if seeing the sun after so much rain was not enough.

I also have the pleasure of seeing more Monarch Butterflies on that short walk than I have seen in a very long time. I wish my camera was a better model, I would have taken pictures as those light wings beat as hard as I have ever seen. Not moving from flower to flower, but fighting the winds, the trees, and any building or fence in between this beautiful creatures and Mexico.

My neighbor did not see the beauty in hundreds of butterflies traveling over head. Nor understand why I get displeased when she allows her 8th grade son to stay home from school instead of fighting with him to attend.

Instead of doing a three card solution spread, I did the five card spread I have been doing for many years.  The one that came to me in a dream so long ago

For the present I got:   9 of Swords       - 2 of Swords (r)

For the future I got :    10 of Swords       -  8 of cups

For the change  I had  3 of swords.  


I draw the deck by cutting the cards, and taking the first four cards in each stack.  left stack goes on left side, right stack goes on right side.    There are several swords, showing aggression, and a quest to be filled.  

Now the cards show me that I must be prepared for and hold strength in reserve for more opposition to come.  That their will be a release at some point, but that I might have to be the person who releases.  That I might be the one who leaves behind an interest 

I believe the cards are telling me here, that I might have to stop looking for published work for a while, or at least leave behind the places they have found me. 

For the future I can see where I have been suffering from a spiritual delusion, my concern that the cards are not reading well for me, and that I should delve into a study of the cards, and of my faith in general, have I been loosing contact with the witch inside me?  I am also shown rejection and decline for an undertaking.  an abandoning of the present situation.

With the final card,  I see sorrow, tears, and separations.   the loss of something I love to do.  

All in all,  I would say that these cards, more strictly than the others.  are telling me that i have to stop writing,  I do not consider myself to be going up against any one in the local market for writing. I honestly do not think the two can compete on my level. I have read some of Tom's stuff and was working on to with him when K said it was fine and that I was ruining it. I never saw her stuff at all.

  But do they perceive my getting published in so many levels as a impingement to their getting forward.   See I don't know what they do.  I refuse to hear what the do, or what they submit.   Nothing go past me, we walk in different worlds.  I do not know their worlds But because I am open they know mine. I don't even know where I would start to look? If you goggle my name, both the real one and the nets tag you see lots of information. If you goggle either of them you find nothing. And no one that knows of them. So what are they doing, just watching tv, searching for me and attacking me.

Attacking not under their honest names, but under sock puppets, and anonymous I they would just stand up, and give me a reason or better yet stop.
I cannot figure out a reason why I am the subject of anyone scorn. I do not want the man back, I hurt for all the pain he has caused me. I did hurt for the way she was treating me. I tossed him out of my life and into hears because I was tired of being used. I am no lying in wait for him to cross my path in the future.

And I will not walk away from other friendships I have made, and other people I have known who have requested that I become a standard in their lives. I became an officer in a dog club as the request of a good friend. I aim to keep that promise. Is he worried we will cross paths, and that it will be ugly. They are as no one to me, I wish them null value. Not heath, not death, not anything between but distance.

What else do I give up, and when do I stop  because I have ceased to live  my own life?.

Sigh what do I fill my days with now that the Sox season has ended.   Do I follow another sport, not really.  Do I get serious about doing stuff around the house.  If I can afford it. 

I really have to get on Joyce's ass about starting to pay me back.  I am getting so tired of her bull shit.  I guess I might have to pull some money out of investments.  Or start selling stuff on ebay.  Another thing I do not want to start doing. 

But what choice do I have.   What choice. 

Well I have been doing some stuff around the house, still need to clean out the bird cage and Fidget's pen.   I might take him out in a bit, just watch the game with him in my lap.

I am just so frustrated lately.  I am getting more porn in my in box, and harrassed where ever I published.   I sent in a post to dog boston, but have not been posted or heard anything from Brian. I hope he did not drop me.   But he will not respond to my emails.

Got a good laugh just now. Watching the news, and saw news from Neb that a new golf course is having problems with a fox that likes to steal golf balls. The fox is so comfortable with people that he just walks up to a man with a camera and takes the golf ball from his feet.

Histerical.

It has become the question to ask this week, from family, friends, and strangers.

“Who are you voting for?”

Do you like this one? Do you trust that one? Is he serious about that promise? I know politics is a blood sport here in Massachusetts. Right up there with revenge, and bitching about sports. I should be able to get up a little bit of interest, maybe not the blood boil level of my past, but something, anything? But I can't not a whiff of anger, not a hint of interest. Not over the can dates, not even to vote for the lesser of four evils.

I have read the web pages, reviewed the platforms, watched the debates. The only emotion any of them brings to mind is boredom. Is this the best Massachusetts can do. In this entire state, home of the first blow for freedom from England. The bluest of the blue states, this is the best we can do!

My lack of excitement is growing. Not being able to get it up for the top of the ticket, I don't even know who is asking to be the lieutenant to the dullard in chief. Who supports what, who is angeling to be appointed governor when the next person bolts out of state to obtain a nation office, or the promise of one.

My lack of interest has spread. What else are we voting on, I don't know. I have not even cracked the first page of the 'sample ballot' I received in the mail today. I have not tossed it into the recycling bin yet, I hope I'll be able to read it soon. But just looking at the light blue cover makes me want to fall asleep. To dream of the days when politics meant something to me. When I happily worked the phone banks, when I would lick envelopes all day. Today I don't wish those days would return for me, but at least enough interest to vote.

I know the issues, I read both papers, peruse the web, read the blogs. But no one can spark my interest. Not the ballot questions, not the local races, not the has-beens looking for new posts, where they will mostly plan and scheme to get back their old posts. Nothing.

I'm a depressed, in general no, about the path this country is taking yes. But what will my one vote do to correct that? Will my vote matter on the national stage, not really. Will my vote matter here at home, a little, in the city maybe, but state wide, no. The small great conspiracy voice in withing says the race is going to be fixed any way. As was done the last three times, the person who owns the voting machines, will decide the winner of the election. Not me, not my vote. Not any more.

I know I should vote, I know I need to vote, I know I will vote. But not with enthuseum, not this time.